Every couple experiences conflict, but few know that conflict in your marriage has the potential to bring you closer together, depending on how you manage it. To navigate conflict in a healthy way, you’ll need to reframe your thinking; rather than a battle to be won, conflict is an opportunity to better understand and meet each other’s needs. This team mindset can turn conflict into a force to strengthen your relationship. In this blog post, we will explore six steps you and your spouse can take to diffuse a conflict in the heat of the moment and enable the disagreement to bring you closer together.
To begin, let’s follow a hypothetical conflict between Tariq and Asiya.
Tariq overhears Asiya on the phone with a friend, talking about how she always has to remind him of important events. Feeling embarrassed and offended, Tariq confronts Asiya about sharing private information about their marriage with others. Taken aback, Asiya denies sharing anything private. They go back and forth a few times as Tariq tries to make his point and Asiya, confused and hurt, defends herself. His frustration rising, Tariq questions whether Asiya is lying. Asiya, offended by the insinuation, suggests that maybe Tariq is paranoid. The two become locked in a heated argument.
Step 1: Calm Yourself
When emotions run high, the first step is to calm yourself. Request a pause for five minutes and do something you know will calm you down. You might focus on your breathing or grab some water. Remember the Sunnah for dealing with anger. Anger is from Shaytan, so say, “A’udhu billahi min ash-shaytan ir-rajim” (I seek refuge with Allah from the accursed devil) to help release it. The Prophet (PBUH) said that if you’re angry and standing, sit down; if you’re sitting, lie down. Opt for silence when you know you’ll say something hurtful if you speak. Step away to make wudu (ablution), or, if that doesn’t work, do ghusl (full-body ritual purification). Each can help with dissipating any intense emotion, including sadness, resentment, hurt, and anger.
Regardless of your calming strategy, always let your spouse know you’re not walking away from the issue, but you need a moment to collect yourself. Some need a time before they’re ready to talk, and others want to talk it out immediately. Recognize your and your spouse’s needs, and find a middle ground.
Asiya darts to the bathroom after mumbling something that sounded like, “one second.” Tariq hears her starting the faucet and immediately knows, from past experiences, that she is making wudu.
Step 2: De-escalate with Effective Repairs
Repairs are any statements or actions meant to diffuse negativity and prevent conflicts from escalating. Use love language, love maps, and past patterns that help you understand your spouse’s needs (see resources at the end). For example, the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and Aisha (RA) sought a mediator in her father, Abu Bakr As-Siddiq (RA) during a disagreement. When Abu Bakr entered, he saw Aisha raising her voice at the Prophet (PBUH) and began to reprimand her. The Prophet (PBUH) jumped between them and sent him away, saying, “This is not what we called you for.” Then he said to Aisha, lightheartedly, “See how I protected you from your father?” When Abu Bakr came by later, they were both laughing. Here, we see that de-escalation can look like light humor or reminding one another you’re in this together, especially if you know your spouse will respond well to these approaches.
Asiya steps out of the bathroom a few moments later. Tariq, recalling that she appreciates affirmation, says with a small smile, “Thanks for going to do wudu. You’re always good about stopping our fights before it gets too bad, mashaAllah.” Asiya sits and turns to Tariq, ready to talk.
Step 3: Take Responsibility
Approach your emotions with mindfulness. If you overreacted, take responsibility for your reaction and the trigger that caused it. Recognize it wasn’t fair to your spouse to react this way. A trigger is an intense, emotional reaction to a present behavior that reminds you of something painful from your past, typically childhood. It can be anything that causes you to react more intensely than you normally would: a tone of voice, a look, a specific word, or even someone’s unintentional behavior. When triggered, your body floods with stress hormones, increasing heart-rate, sweating, and muscle tightness and making it difficult to respond thoughtfully. Common relationship triggers in an argument include feeling criticized, compared, or dismissed, feeling like your spouse is withdrawing, or harsh tones of voice.
As Asiya’s expression softens, Tariq admits, “I probably shouldn’t have come at you the way I did, saying that you lied. That was really harsh. It felt like you were telling me my concern wasn’t real…” Tariq pauses, sheepishly. “Now that I say it though, I don’t think that was about you. Every time I want to bring up concerns with people, I question myself a lot. It takes a lot of mental energy to bring up an issue. So it really bugs me when I feel like I’m not being heard or understood..”
Step 4: Soften Startup
Use sensitivity when reapproaching your spouse. Emotions are still raw for both of you. Use “I” statements to express your feelings about what happened instead of accusations or blaming. Describe what is happening rather than evaluating or judging. Throughout, maintain a polite and appreciative tone as much as you can, even as you air difficult feelings so that you don’t store up grievances.
Asiya sits on the couch next to Tariq and starts slowly, “Listen, I know I got pretty upset too. I just felt really hurt when you thought I might be lying. That really hurt me…. and I still don’t really know what made you so upset.”
Tariq takes a deep breath. “I heard you on the phone talking about me – you said that I never remember important things. I don’t like that you talk about me like that to other people.”
Step 5: Listen to Understand, NOT to Respond
Accepting influence, or being willing to adjust based on your spouse’s feedback and preferences, makes your partner feel respected and empowered – and motivates them to reciprocate. To reach this step, both partners must put in the time and effort to understand where the other is coming from. Even if you disagree wholeheartedly, put yourself in their shoes and try to see their perspective. Use active listening tactics; repeat what you heard them say and ask thoughtful questions to clarify their concerns.
When Tariq finishes explaining his side, Asiya asks for clarification. “Can you explain why you don’t like me talking to my friends? I’m not sure I get it.”
Tariq explains, “It’s not you talking to them, it’s what you said. I just feel disrespected, like you’re making fun of me with your friends, and exposing my flaws. Then it felt like you were missing how important this is to me and I got upset.”
Asiya replies, “I didn’t really mean it like that. My friends know how much I love and respect you, but I can see why that bothers you.”
Escalating negativity is part of rejecting your partner’s influence and essentially driving them away. Remember, if one partner is winning, both are losing. Imagine if Asiya had responded to Tariq’s repair attempt with sarcasm or had told him to “get over himself” when he tried to explain his side. Asiya’s negativity would have deeply wounded Tariq, making him feel like he can’t trust her with his concerns or his vulnerability. It would take her much more time and effort to make amends after the damage is done.
Step 6: Compromise
Compromise is part of any relationship, including marriage. This is where you look for the win-win in what might have felt like an impasse at the beginning of your argument. Effective compromise begins with active listening, to truly understand one another’s concerns and needs and then arriving at a decision collaboratively by discussing the conditions and options together. Avoid situations where one spouse unilaterally analyzes a situation and tries to enforce a decision they made without consulting the other. A collaborative approach is akin to the Islamic concept of shura (consultation), where a leader seeks out other perspectives, especially from people who will be directly impacted by the decision.
Try a compromise exercise, such as this one from The Gottman Institute to help facilitate the discussion:
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Consider an area of conflict where you and your partner are stuck in perpetual gridlock. Draw two ovals, one within the other. The one on the inside is your Inflexible Area and the one on the outside is your Flexible Area.
- Think of the inside oval as containing the ideas, needs, and values you absolutely cannot compromise on for this issue, and the outside oval as containing the ideas, needs, and values you feel more flexible with. Make two lists.
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Discuss some of the following questions with your partner:
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Can you help me to understand why your “inflexible” needs or values are so important to you?
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What are your guiding feelings here?
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What feelings and goals do we have in common? How might these goals be accomplished?
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Help me to understand your flexible areas. Let’s see which ones we have in common.
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How can I help you to meet your core needs?
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What temporary compromise can we reach on this problem?
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While this exercise may seem a bit extensive for an argument like Tariq and Asiya’s, it can be helpful for more complex sources of conflict, or issues that keep coming up in a marriage despite attempts to resolve.
Tariq and Asiya embrace. Asiya agreed to avoid talking about Tariq with friends in a negative way, even if she felt it was harmless. Tariq agreed that if he was uncomfortable with something, he would ask what happened and express his feelings without criticizing her character.
It would take time for Asiya to understand exactly what types of conversations made Tariq so uncomfortable (she knew it wasn’t all of them), and Tariq would likely also slip sometimes and approach an issue the wrong way, but both decided they would first acknowledge their mistakes as much as they could from then on, instead of getting defensive.
After the Fight
Once you’ve found a middle ground or come to a decision, the work is not over! So much can be learned from self-evaluating after tough moments. Reflect on what went wrong and what helped you arrive at a resolution.
Learn about one another and yourself – observe your conflict and communication styles and apology languages (see resources below). Identify your triggers and work on them. While avoiding each other’s triggers is ideal, it’s crucial to actively seek healing within ourselves too. Acknowledge your feelings and take steps to manage them responsibly. These are each valuable practices that make conflict resolution smoother and help mutual understanding run deeper. Proactively grow in these areas so that you can approach conflicts with greater sensitivity. Some specific steps you can take are:
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- Read and discuss an article on how to manage conflict in healthy ways
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- Watch a video on how to heal and strengthen your relationship
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- Seek advice and perspective from couples with more experience
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- Consider marriage counseling to facilitate healthier conversations and conflict resolution
Conflict is a normal part of marriage, and it doesn’t have to end with harsh words, tears, or slamming doors. By following these steps, you can practice calming yourself during a conflict, approaching each other with gentleness, and seeking understanding and compromise. You’re in this together; with a team mindset, conflicts can become opportunities to strengthen your marriage. For more from The FYI on the topic of marriage, check out our additional Marriage Resources here.
Additional Resources:
Please note: The FYI team selected relevant resources from a variety of platforms while keeping cultural and religious sensitivities in mind. Content and views expressed on these platforms do not necessarily reflect the vision and views of The FYI.
This blog post was adapted from a talk given by Sameera Ahmed, PhD. It was compiled by Huda Khwaja and edited by Issra Killawi.