Carrying resentment around can weigh heavily on our hearts, making us feel miserable and causing us to fall into a victim mentality. Resentment can even create distance between us and our Creator, leaving us feeling disempowered about changing how we think or feel. In this blog, we’ll explore what can cause resentment, what it can look like, and how to work through it.
What is Resentment? What Can Cause It?
Resentment is defined as a feeling of anger, bitterness, or shame when confronted with a situation that you don’t like but have to accept. Whatever the situation may be, resentment most often arises from unmet needs like feelings of deep hurt, not feeling valued, and experiences of oppression and injustice – especially when we lack outlets to channel our pain and emotion. Resentment can also arise from experiences such as:
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- Feeling deprived: Sometimes when we look at our lives, we compare how our lives look compared to the lives of others around us. Whether it be a comparison of our marriage, home, health, or finances, the thought pattern is often the same – “Why does this person get the nicer spouse, the nicer house, better health, more wealth, etc.?”
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- Feeling mistreated or overlooked: Sometimes we find ourselves being treated differently than someone else. Maybe people constantly praise someone else in your masjid volunteer committee, even though you work just as hard but rarely feel appreciated. Maybe your parents don’t bother hiding their preference for one sibling over others, or your in-laws give special treatment to some family members over you.
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- Feeling betrayed: Perhaps you weren’t helped in your time of need by loved ones or trusted individuals – whether it be your family, a friend, or your community.
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- Feeling overburdened: Sometimes, a friend or family member may constantly dump their pain, feelings of inadequacies, or need for control on you. While you want to be supportive, you eventually feel burdened and frustrated by the amount of time and energy they want or demand from you.
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- Feeling exploited: You’ve been denied your rights. This could be emotional abuse (put-downs, blackmail, abuse), or even physical or financial abuse. Despite your attempts to fight for yourself, you feel vulnerable and taken advantage of.
How Can Resentment Manifest and Why is it Harmful?
“Why do I need to do anything? Why can’t I just sit in my feelings of resentment?”
The answer is that resentment is harmful to the person holding onto it in many different ways. And when left unresolved, it also bleeds out beyond the individual and impacts those around him/her.
Getting Stuck in Your Feelings. Resentment can cause you to continuously ruminate over a feeling or situation, preventing you from living in the present. It can make you easily irritated and angry, depleting your physical and mental energy.
Harboring Negative Feelings Towards Others. This can look like not wanting to help others, neglecting their rights, and perhaps even feeling happy when bad things happen to others as retribution for the pain you’ve felt in the past. You may even become preoccupied with other people’s affairs in a way that interferes with your ability to focus on your own life.
Loss of Perspective. Resentment can lead to black-and-white thinking, such as noticing/overemphasizing the faults in others, or losing the ability to assume the best in people and their actions. From this, resentment can even fester into backbiting, which may feel cathartic in the moment but has damaging spiritual consequences.
“O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.”
[Quran 49:12]
Distance from Allahﷻ & Loss of Imaan. It’s possible to become so focused on your pain that you engage in sin to alleviate suffering. As a result, your pain may make it difficult to connect with the Healer of all pain, Allah ﷻ. This distances you from faith and spiritual well-being, and the more distant we are from Allah ﷻ, the more likely we are to slip into sinful behavior and feel ashamed for doing so, causing a vicious cycle.
“Verily, when the servant commits a sin, a black mark appears upon his heart. If he abandons the sin, seeks forgiveness, and repents, then his heart will be polished. If he returns to the sin, the blackness will be increased until it overcomes his heart…”
[Quran 83:14]
Igniting or perpetuating communal suffering. Unintentional resentful behavior towards others can remove the sense of safety from a community. This creates loneliness for others, pushes people away from the community, and even pushes people away from Islam. What starts within one relationship can bleed into other relationships and damage the well-being of an entire community.
How Do I Work Through Resentment?
We are responsible for being vigilant over our hearts and minds. It may not be easy, but we can do the hard work of cleansing our hearts when they get polluted by the actions of others, or our unmet needs and expectations of them. We can control how we react to specific situations that cause us pain or have undesirable consequences. The first step forward is to accept that you are feeling resentful and to accept that while you can’t change the behavior of another person, you can change the way you think, act, and feel about the situation.
With this in mind, commit to understanding your pain and moving through your feelings of resentment towards letting go. Healing is an active process of doing and undoing; implement these tips as habits and mindset shifts for healing in your daily life.
1. If you’re feeling deprived, focus on what you do have.
When we are resentful, we tend to focus on what was taken: remember that Allah has written our rizq (provision), and you will only receive what He has written for you. Recognize that what you are given is from the Qadr (divine decree) of Allah; what was given to you was given for a reason, and what was withheld was also kept from you for a reason that Allah, The Most Wise, has willed. It’s okay to feel sad for what was taken from you, or what you may have wanted but did not receive. Allowing room for sadness and grieving makes room for acceptance or healing. Along with feeling your feelings, reflect on the perspective and opportunity that this struggle gives you (something we have control over), rather than the deprivation (what we have no control over). Remember the following ayah:
“And if Allah had extended [excessively] provision for His servants, they would have committed tyranny throughout the earth. But He sends [it] down in an amount which He wills. Indeed He is, of His servants, Acquainted and Seeing.”
[Ashura:27]
Perhaps print out this verse and hang it up, memorize it, and reflect on it often – make it a part of your mindset. To keep a balanced perspective, remind yourself that you are not completely deprived – challenge yourself to remember a unique blessing that Allah has given you every day, no matter how small.
2. Reflect on the Quran and Sunnah, and use these guides as your compass.
Allow experiences and situations of pain as an opportunity to elevate you and bring you closer to Allah. Read the Quran and take comfort in the bigger picture, and in His promises. Allow the Quran to widen your perspective, and recall that resentment usually stems from worldly issues, never akhira (hereafter) issues. Know that you are not the first nor the last person to be hurt by those closest to you, to feel abused, or to be taken advantage of. Even the prophets were tested in these ways, by their own family members sometimes. Prophet Muhammad (S) himself suffered abuse and persecution from his uncles and cousins. Prophet Yusuf was betrayed by those closest to him multiple times. Allow these stories to move you closer towards acceptance and cleanse you of the resentment. This doesn’t mean that you cannot take action to address the situation or that you must allow it to happen again. But it allows you to see beyond this one experience and move closer toward healing. With this in mind, make duaa:
“Our Lord, forgive us and our brothers who preceded us in faith and put not in our hearts [any] resentment toward those who have believed. Our Lord, indeed You are Kind and Merciful.”
[Hashr:10]
3. Use any injustice you experienced to uplift the rights of others.
“O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm in justice, witnesses for Allah, even if it be against yourselves or parents and relatives. Whether one is rich or poor, Allah is more worthy of both. So follow not [personal] inclination, lest you not be just. And if you distort [your testimony] or refuse [to give it], then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted.”
[Nisa 4:135]
You may find it helpful to turn your pain and vulnerability into productive action. Look out for others who may be vulnerable to the injustice you experienced. Find ways to raise awareness about the source of injustice, or support those experiencing it by sharing what you learned. For example, if you were taken advantage of in a specific situation because you didn’t know any better, educate those around you with the knowledge you gained.
Also, make sure to reflect on your own capacity to inflict injustice upon others. In which situations do you have power over others? How do you use this power? Are there times when you favor one person over another? Are you taking care of your responsibilities so that they do not become a burden on someone else? Our experiences should make us better, more thoughtful people; How can you channel your hurt to prevent anyone else from experiencing this pain too?
In addition, remind yourself that life is not fair and the ultimate justice happens on the Day of Judgement. If you aren’t able to get justice here and now, know that Allah is ever-watchful. He is Al-Baseer and al’Adl, the Absolute and Most Just. Not only will He address the injustice you experienced, but when you do not get justice in this life, He does not overlook your pain and patience – it will all be compensated.
4. If your resentment stems from another person’s issues, side-step.
When someone takes out their own negative emotions on you, you may start to feel resentment towards them. Maybe someone feels inadequate, so they treat others as if they’re inferior. Maybe they’re suffering from a lack of control in their own life, so they struggle to regulate their emotions around others when things don’t go as planned.
In these situations, start by assuming the best of the other person. Ensure that you’re evaluating the situation fairly, and reflect on what’s happening. Recognize that it’s their issue or struggle they are trying to navigate, and they will be responsible for it in front of Allah. It’s not something you need to take on. Don’t engage or let it stick; side step. Make du’a for them and their healing, and that they reach out for support. Praise them publicly to mend both of your hearts.
If this person is genuinely seeking your support but is overbearing in how they ask for it, choose a way to support them that respects your boundaries and time. For example, if they expect you to always be available for their 2-hour-long phone calls, this may not be fair to you. You can set a time to speak and be firm about how long you can be available. Or you can express that this is taking a toll on you and that you can no longer be available, but can recommend resources that could be helpful.
“The believers are but brothers, so make settlement between your brothers. And fear Allah that you may receive mercy.”
[Hujurat, 49:10]
Conclusion
Imagine the reward of the person who does the hard work of cleansing their heart from resentment!
And We will have removed whatever is within their breasts of resentment, [while] flowing beneath them are rivers. And they will say, “Praise to Allah, who has guided us to this; and we would never have been guided if Allah had not guided us. Certainly the messengers of our Lord had come with the truth.”
[Ar’af 7:43]
One of the favors that Allah can bestow on a believer is to remove resentment from his/her heart, and this can be an indication of being from the people of Jannah. Carrying resentment around is weighty, and the work of letting go may not be easy. But with the right intention and effort, working through resentment can bring relief and growth in this life, and immense reward in the next.
For more resources on working through overwhelming emotions, check out our article on How to Feel your Feelings. For even more with The FYI on mental health for Muslims, view the rest of our articles on Mental Health Stigmas and Misconceptions.
This article was written by Hana Mahyoub and edited by Issra Killawi and Huda Khwaja.