Contemplating Getting a Divorce
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“Y’all are doing great work mashaAllah so blessed to have all these resources and dedicated folks on the frontlines, in all the various forms this takes. May Allah swt bless you all and increase and amplify the hearts and lives you touch. So important to keep an eye on what’s coming and not get held up by the moment, esp in these times. Keep up the essential work”
With appropriate support and direction, divorce does not need to feel so difficult and stigmatized. Such support can allow you to properly address some of the issues that may challenge you as you go through this process such as co-parenting, a new reality regarding finances, and managing the stigma you may face from your community. Proper guidance and preparation can also help mitigate the negative effects of divorce on your life, faith, and spirituality.
This toolkit provides resources and practical tips on maneuvering through a divorce, regardless of what stage you are in.
To create this toolkit, The FYI team selected relevant resources from a variety of platforms while keeping cultural and religious sensitivities in mind. Other content, views, and opinions expressed on these platforms do not necessarily reflect the vision and views of The FYI. Some resources in this toolkit were developed by individuals who are not licensed counselors, such as content writers and personal coaches. While still incredibly helpful, these resources should not replace the consultation of a trained mental health professional when needed.
Please note that this toolkit is not a replacement for counseling. It is our hope that individuals and couples will use it as a resource along with counseling.
History of the Project
American Muslim communities are experiencing a rise in marital struggles and divorce at similar rates to their non-Muslim counterparts. However, Muslim families and couples face unique challenges as they navigate divorce, particularly stigma, shame, and lack of familial or community support. Guided by the principles of community-based participatory research (Wallerstein & Duran, 2010), we conducted a three-pronged needs assessment of the divorce process among American Muslim couples. First, we conducted a review of current research on divorce amongst both American-Muslim and other-religion families. This review provided information about the potential areas of conflict during the divorce process as well as ways to support struggling couples. Second, we interviewed individuals who were from diverse professional backgrounds (e.g., Marriage/Family Therapist, Imam, Social Worker), and served clients struggling with marriage or were divorced themselves. Finally, based on the findings from the literature review and interviews, an online survey was created and disseminated to the broader American Muslim community.
This toolkit is for you if:
- You are dealing with divorce yourself, at any stage – be it just in the beginning, in the midst, post-divorce or even contemplating remarriage
- You have a loved one (friend, sibling, etc.) you want to support
- You are a community leader who wants to learn how to support your congregants
- You are a mental health professional who is looking for resources for their clients
How to use this toolkit
This toolkit was built as a resource to guide you through the many stages of divorce. You can read the sections in order or navigate to the section that applies to your circumstance. You can also search for any topic within the toolkit.
- If you are in a rocky relationship and are not sure how to move forward, check out the suggestions in Section 1.
- If you are already divorced and thinking about re-marriage, there are great resources for you in Section 4 of this toolkit.
- If you are looking for resources on how to manage finances, make a budget, or work through the reality of a new financial situation, check out Section 6.
*Note: Divorce is not a linear process – it’s a transition from the beginning to the very end, and even many years after. You may find yourself moving in and out through different stages, even after you have obtained the divorce and that’s okay – be kind to yourself as you move through this transition.
Click on the section that most applies to you, or go through section by section for specific resources.
Section 1 - Contemplating Divorce
Contemplating Getting a Divorce
Assessing Your Marriage
If you are experiencing stress in your marriage, you may find yourself thinking about separation or even divorce. There are many important questions that you may be asking yourself as you are having this internal struggle. This section provides guidance and resources about how to navigate these questions and areas of concern. You will find the following subsections in this section:
1) Assessing your marriage
2) Leaning toward divorce
3) Reconciling your relationship
4) Conflict in your relationship
5) Children
Start with evaluating the state of your relationship to gain insight into positives and negatives of your relationship, and discover choices that you can make to either heal your relationship or end it:
- Try completing marriage assessments which help you become aware of warning signs and really dig into your relationship. Even if your partner is not willing to take these, you can still take them yourself so you can get your own internal assessment of the state of your marriage
- Use this quick and easy assessment inventory, which also comes with free audiobook and workbook downloads that may also be helpful.
- Take this marriage workability quiz and ask yourself these questions
- Engage in muhasaba — or self-reflection to hold yourself accountable. As you evaluate your marriage, ask yourself:
- “What is my role in this relationship?”
- “What am I contributing to the conflict in this relationship?”
- “How is my past impacting my interactions and experiences in this marriage?
- Healing separation is another path you may consider as structured time apart to help you heal your relationship.
- Structure through a healing agreement is essential for success.
- Make sure you are on the same page about the goals and key elements of the arrangement
- Discernment counseling is something couples can also consider. It usually leads to choosing one of three paths:
- Maintaining the relationship as it is,
- Getting a separation or divorce,
- ORsix months of couples therapy and a recommitment to making the marriage work
While it is not a replacement for counseling, reading through what a discernment counseling session looks like can help you think about the right questions.
Leaning Towards Divorce
Couples who are leaning towards divorce may be looking for “signs” that they should move forward with a divorce. There is never just one warning sign that signals divorce and signs can differ from person to person, and from situation to situation. Consider these resources if you are leaning towards divorce:
- Consider these 36 actions if you are thinking about divorce
- Loss of trust and no indication of change in behavior may be warning signs that divorce is the best path forward
- Confusion during this time is normal – consider these topics to find clarity and a roadmap to make a decision
- Consider these ideas when you are ready to tell your spouse you want a divorce
- Recognize that your religious beliefs will impact how you think about divorce. Read this research summary to understand four specific themes related to how religion, spirituality, and a belief in God influence the divorce decision-making process.
- You are not alone:
- Read about the experiences of other Muslims and patterns of divorce in our communities
- Understand and learn from the ISPU’s discussion guide on how North American Muslim communities and families manage divorce
- If you are unsure as to what signs to look for, here are 5 Telltale Signs that it’s Time to Walk Away
Reconciling Your Relationship
Here are resources to help you navigate the process of reconciliation if that’s the right direction for you and your partner. Focus on building your relationship skills, communicating effectively, and engage in activities that enhance your connection. Here are some ideas about where to start:
Shifting away from the blame game and being attuned to each other emotionally are two of the 10 Things to Try Before Giving Up on Your Marriage from the Gottman Institute:
- Create a roadmap for reconciliation
- Make an action plan for going forward
- Identify what went wrong
- Evaluate your relationship: is it sliding or deciding?
- Discuss needs and expectations
- Staying on the same team
- Try the 8-step rescue plan as you try to transition from conflict to repair. For example:
- Make a list of all the issues you have disagreements about
- Fix your focus solidly on yourself
- Learn how to express concerns constructively
- Learn how to make decisions cooperatively
- Focus on the positive and share each others needs
Try these marriage exercises and activities that can help strengthen your relationship. Share them with your partner:
- 21 couples therapy worksheets, techniques, and activities
- Do this “ITS” 2-minute activity daily
- 8 couples therapy exercises you can do at home
- Get some more great ideas in the Courtship Roadmap for the Potential Couples section in our Marriage Prep Toolkit
- Muslims are not immune to infidelity. If you want to make it work, try the Trust Revival Method to work through the affair
- Consider these parenting strategies to protect your child as you work through marital conflict in your relationship
- Read the ISPU’s community brief about how to promote healthy marriages in Muslim communities
Abuse in Your Relationship
Mistreatment in a relationship can take many forms and it can be difficult to accept that you are experiencing abuse. Words are powerful and finding the ability and strength to label your experience using the right words can be empowering and shift your perspective about what you are going through. If you aren’t sure if what you are experiencing is abuse, here is a useful assessment tool. Additionally, this section provides more resources on how to determine if you are experiencing mistreatment or abuse in your relationship, what to do about it, and how to ensure your safety.
If you fear for your safety or are in immediate danger, call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
It’s important to understand why it is so hard for victims of domestic violence to leave their abusers. Know the warning signs of domestic violence, even in Muslim communities:
- Recognize the signs of emotional abuse and examples of what it looks like
- “That’s not what happened – you’re exaggerating” – Learn about signs of gaslighting and how to deal with it
- learn about the different kinds of unhealthy and abusive relationships
- Learn some techniques for setting boundaries to respect your dignity and worth
Recognize that domestic abuse happens to men too:
- Learn the signs of abuse by your female partner and how to protect yourself
- Refer to this booklet to learn about why men stay in these relationships, and what to do about it
- Read this to know what steps you can take to get help and stop the abuse
Read and watch these resources to clear misconceptions about abuse in Islam:
- If you are being abused, it is okay to speak up.
- Understand the difference between patience (sabr) and suffering in silence
- Waiting can often make it more difficult to leave
- Know that Islam promotes justice and healthy relationships
- Refer to these FAQs about Islam and abuse
- Recognize when a partner who uses Quran, hadith, or other Islamic teachings to justify controlling behavior — and could be engaging in spiritual or religious abuse
Sexual abuse:
- Learn about the myths about sexual assault in the Muslim community
- Understand the different forms of sexual abuse and violence
- Read this power wheel about sexual violence in Muslim communities
- Learn about how cultural and religious traditions can be misused in Muslim communities to silence victims and protect the perpetrator.
Check out the Peaceful Families Project’s directory of Muslim service providers who specialize in domestic violence.
Children
“But what about my kids?!” When thinking about divorce, considering the possible negative effects it may have on your children is likely one of the major issues you are struggling with. Here are some things to consider as you go through this process.
- Think through issues such as children’s relationship with each parent, if they’ve experienced another grief recently, and their ability to cope with stress
- Look through the eyes of your child – what do they see in your current home environment?
- Think about if you can employ these parenting strategies to protect your child from your marital conflict
- Consider how teens may uniquely be affected by divorce
Should you stay together for the kids? There are circumstances when divorce might benefit everyone. Here are some of the main points to consider:
- How are children affected by chronic conflict? Toxic marriages may negatively affect children more so than an amicable divorce
- Three key factors typically determine how well children adjust after divorce:
- The relationship children have with each parent pre-divorce
- How long and intense the chronic conflict has occurred
- Parents being able to prioritize children’s needs during the divorce
- Some positive outcomes for children after divorce include:
- Children may become more resilient and adaptable
- Children have more quality time with each parent, particularly fathers
- Children have increased empathy for others who struggle
Section 2 - In the Midst of Divorce
In the Midst of Divorce
As you move through a divorce, things can become mentally, physically, and emotionally chaotic. Walking away from a harmful relationship takes courage and strength – and is something outlined in our Deen if it’s the path to be taken. You are not alone – read about the experiences and patterns in our communities, as well as lessons from divorced Muslims as you reflect on your experience. With the support and resources in this section, you can try to mitigate some of the stressors in this process and lessen the negative impact on yourself and your family. You will find the following subsections in this section:
1) Self-care
2) Interacting with your partner
3) Children
*Note: Divorce is not a linear process — it’s a transition from the beginning to the very end, and even many years after. You may find yourself coming back to this section even after you have obtained the divorce and that’s okay – be kind to yourself as you move through this transition.
Self-Care
As you experience a change in your normal routines and lifestyle, you may be going through a wide range of emotions, from anger to anxiety. Engage in self-care throughout the entire process. Here are some things you can try:
- Learn how to let go with love and cope with negative emotions
- Recognize that you will be going through many different stages of divorce understand these stages and the coping strategy you need to use in each stage
- Understand your emotions during this time so you can turn your anger into assertiveness and meet your needs
- Allow yourself to grieve over your relationship and cope in healthy ways
- When things feel out of control, reclaim control over thoughts using an Islamic perspective
- “Your Lord has not forsaken you” — learn how to cope with the trauma you are going through and how it may impact your faith
- Focus on the four “M’s” of mental health — mindfulness, mastery, movement, and meaningful engagement.
- Try mindful meditation — a prophetic tradition — which can help you reduce stress and anxiety.
- If you like being outdoors, one of the best ways to cope with stress is actually gardening
- Practice self-compassion and lean on supports in your life
Interacting with Your Partner
This section provides resources on how to maintain your safety and well-being while interacting with your soon-to-be ex-partner.
- Understand the different kinds of divorces and processes that you can pursue to obtain a divorce
- If it’s possible for you, consider a collaborative divorce, where spouses are empowered to come to an agreement using collaborative law attorneys, without the need of a judge or court system
- Follow these guidelines for a collaborative end to your relationship
- Try these Do’s and Don’ts for a friendly divorce with low-conflict
- Know that each of you may be in different stages of divorce
- Healthy communication with each other will be key for your family.
- Using healthy communication skills and avoid common pitfalls
- Try the BIFF model of communication: Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm
- Think about how you communicate digitally, such as on social media and through text/email
- Think about how you communicate digitally, such as on social media and through text/email
- You may need to think about what to expect from an angry spouse such as accusations of abuse and reneging on verbal agreements
- Be aware of these dirty tactics that your spouse may try and learn how to counter them
- If applicable to you, learn how to navigate living together while divorcing
Refer to the “children” section below for co-parenting resources
You may be experiencing doubt or regret about leaving a hurtful relationship, likely projected on to you from others – was it really abusive? Should you have tried more? Maybe you could have been more patient? Refer to these resources to navigate these doubts about abusive relationships in Muslim communities:
- Learn the warning signs of abuse, even in Muslim relationships
- If you are being abused, it is okay to speak up
- Understand the difference between patience (sabr) and suffering in silence
- Waiting can often make it more difficult to leave
- Know that Islam promotes justice and healthy relationships
- Refer to these FAQs about Islam and abuse
Recognize when a partner who uses Quran, hadith, or other Islamic teachings to justify controlling behavior — and could be engaging in spiritual or religious abuse - Read this power wheel about sexual violence in Muslim communities
- Learn about how cultural and religious traditions can be misused in Muslim communities to silence victims and protect the perpetrator.
If you are working on your way out of an abusive relationship, refer to these resources to ensure your safety and well-being:
- Prepare your path to safety by creating a safety plan about when and how to leave
- Use this checklist of essentials to take with you when trying to leave
- Consider these factors specific to when it’s time to leave and how to get out of your home safely
- Prepare accordingly if you have a court protection order
- If you are worried about your safety after leaving an abusive relationship, read these tips on what you can do to protect yourself and/or your children
If you fear for your safety or are in immediate danger, call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233.
Children
- Informing your child about the divorce can be a daunting task.
- Keep their age in mind when thinking about how to talk to them about it, what behaviors to watch for, and how to help them with the transition
- Consider these talking points and reactions for younger children
- Learn about the unique ways your teenage children may be impacted
- Follow these 7 tips for communicating about the divorce:
- If possible, talk to your children about the divorce with the other parent.
- Be honest in answering questions
- Let your children know what life will be like after the divorce
- Emphasize that the divorce is final
- Reassure your kids
- Be available
- Communicate stability, but don’t be afraid to show emotion
- Watch this video to help you understand what children go through in a divorce
- Try these children’s books about divorce and separation
- Helping your children cope will be a priority during this time to build their resilience
- Use these 7 strategies to help them grieve and move forward
- Use this checklist to create a stable home environment for your children
- Make the transition easier by reassuring your love for them and encouraging open and honest conversation about their feelings, among other things
- Read about the unique ways you can help your teenage child cope and adjust
- Work on your own resilience so that you can build resilience in your children
- Reduce conflict with your partner for your children’s sake during the process:
- Utilize these parenting strategies to protect your child from conflict in your marital relationship during the divorce process
- Set boundaries with the other parent to reduce conflict
Try this worksheet and this plan about parenting times, events, communication, and decision-making- If you realize you cannot co-parent successfully, consider parallel parenting
- Read about the Islamic rulings on parent access to children and visitation rights
- Check out the infographics in this section for more pointers
Section 3 - After a Divorce
After a Divorce
Finally getting through a divorce may leave you navigating many emotions, from anxiety about what’s to come to sadness over what’s been lost to even joy at breaking away from a negative situation. Healthy coping strategies and reliance on Allah (swt) can help you come out of this process and move forward with positivity. Refer to this section for how to navigate stressors you may be facing after divorce. You will find the following subsections in this section:
1) Coping with the breakup
2) Recovery
3) Children
*Note: Divorce is not a linear process – it’s a transition from the beginning to the very end, and even many years after. You may find yourself coming back to this section even after you have obtained the divorce and that’s okay – be kind to yourself as you move through this transition.
Coping with the Breakup
Allow yourself to grieve over your relationship and cope in healthy ways. Recognize that you will be going through many different stages of divorce — understand these stages and the coping strategy you need to use in each stage. Choose to cope in healthy ways and care for yourself emotionally and physically.
- Engage in these steps to cope with an affair and a divorce
- “Your Lord has not forsaken you” – learn how to cope with the trauma you’ve been through and how it can impact your faith
- Let go of the shame associated with divorce
- Try the strategies to cope with the stress post-divorce:
- Share in the responsibility
- Recognize emotional immaturity and protect your emotional space
- Seek support and know how to ask others for help
- Prepare your divorce elevator speech for those you want to tell
- Practice self-compassion
- Learn how to acclimate to your new reality without your ex-spouse
- Set healthy boundaries with your ex-spouse
- Try these 6 steps to unearth yourself and explore “Who am I now?”
- Identity crisis affects both men and women after a divorce
- Try the Conscious Coupling Process to create a more compassionate breakup process
Know that Allah (SWT) will bring ease to you after this hardship.”Verily, Along with Every Hardship is Ease” (Quran, 94:6). You can seize this moment and learn more about how you can thrive after a divorce.
- Focus on the four “M’s” of mental health – mindfulness, mastery, movement and meaningful engagement
- A prophetic tradition, this simple habit of mindful meditation can allow you to be present with yourself both in mind and body, helping you to reduce your anxiety
- Consider the power of forgiveness or at least acceptance in helping you heal
- Take these 14 considerations into account when thinking about forgiveness
- Yasmin Mogahed gives insight on healing a broken heart
- Use your ‘iddah (waiting period) as your “me” time from Allah (swt) and a stepping stone to your new life
- Reframe your alone-ness as a tool for reflection, honesty and connection with Allah (SWT)
- You are not alone in this experience. Read about the causes and lessons from divorced Muslims as you reflect on your experience
Recovery
Recovering from a hurtful and abusive relationship takes time and healing. Check out these resources to help you navigate this specific journey:
- Recognize that you will have a lot of unlearning and rebuilding to do after you leave an unhealthy relationship
- Try these 5 self-care tips such as positive affirmations and channeling the pain into creativity
- Consider these tips to help you emotionally recover from an abusive relationship
- Consider the power of forgiveness when you are ready, not to excuse the abuser but rather, to work on letting go of your anger, resentment, and thoughts of revenge so that you can prioritize your own healing
- Heal from gaslighting and learn how to trust yourself again
Children
Recognize that divorce can have negative effects on your children. The resources below offer information about how to help your children cope.
- Get the facts on common misconceptions about divorcing with children
- Watch this video to help you understand what children go through in a divorce
- Know that a high-conflict divorce has negative effects on children
- Manage the effects of divorce on kids by paying attention to changes in their behaviors
- Your teen still needs you during this transition – learn how to help them adjust
- Learn how to meet the rights of children, such as their right to live in a conflict-free zone and to love each parent
The home environment and how you parent with your ex are two key factors in building resilience in your children and protecting them from the negative effects of divorce:
- Engage in healthy co-parenting with an ex by using a collaborative and cooperative approach
- Use empathy and your child’s perspective
- Set clear boundaries and maintain structure
- Relinquish control and accept what’s happening
- Maintain your values and live with integrity
- Consider these dos and don’ts for forgiveness and transforming your co-parenting relationship
- Quality time with fathers post-divorce can redefine the father-child relationship
- Use this checklist to create a stable home environment for your children
- Follow these 7 rules to protect your children from marital conflict
- Set boundaries with the other parent to reduce conflict
- Try this parenting plan worksheet and this plan to outline parenting times, events, communication, and decision-making.
- If you realize you cannot co-parent successfully, consider parallel parenting
- Here are some activity ideas to enhance the parent-child relationship in a divorce
- Check out this list of kid’s books about divorce
Section 4 - Considering Remarriage
Considering Remarriage
“I think I’m ready to remarry.”
Being open to remarriage happens over time, and comes with unique challenges compared to the first marriage. Use this section to equip yourself with the tools that lead to a successful second marriage and learn how to work on issues connected to a shaky second marriage.
You will find the following subsections in this section:
1) Readiness
2) Rules for a successful second marriage
3) Healing from your previous relationship
4) Children and step-parenting
5) Additional resources
Readiness
Ask yourself these questions:
- “What’s motivating my desire to get married?”
- “Have I given myself enough time?”
- “Have we battled a storm together?”
- “What’s your relationship like with their ex or children?”
- “Are our finances compatible?”
- “Am I ready to be married again?”
- “Do I feel so lonely and desperate that I’m totally miserable without a relationship?”
The above questions are from theknot.com. You can also try this ready-to-remarry checklist for additional questions.
Rules for a Successful Second Marriage
- Build a culture of appreciation, respect, and tolerance
- Practice being vulnerable in small steps
- Create time and a relaxed atmosphere to interact with your partner
- Discuss expectations to avoid misunderstandings
- Prepare for conflict
- Communicate effectively
- Embrace your role as a stepparent (more on this below)
- Emotionally attune to your partner
- Establish an open-ended dialogue
- Practice forgiveness which is one of the fundamentals of marriage
These 10 Rules are from Gottman.com
Heal from Your Previous Relationship
- Learn to love again after emotional abuse by trying these strategies
- Uncover if you have trauma from your past relationship
- Recognize that past trauma can be triggered in your current relationship and learn how to cope with it
- Conflict can be triggering – accept that it’s a normal part of a relationship that can be managed
- Consider the power of forgiveness or at least acceptance in helping you heal and take these 14 considerations into account
- Bill of rights for survivors of domestic violence entering new relationships
Children and Step-Parenting
Create a healthy faith-based blended family in your new marriage. It may seem counterintuitive but prioritizing your new spouse and establishing your marital relationship as the foundation of your blended family is what kids need:
- Think through these unique challenges facing a blended family before you remarry
- Follow these fundamental tips for success in your step-family
- Understand the role of a step-parent and the relationships he/she has to navigate:
- Relationship with your step-child
- Relationship with your spouse regarding the child
- Relationship with your spouse’s ex-husband or ex-wife
- Use these guidelines about factors that impact being a step-parent and steps to great step-parenting
- Increase healthy communication by asking your spouse these 9 questions about his/her kids
- Learn the basics and rewards of how to be a step-parent, and how to ensure it goes smoothly
Recognize the impact a second marriage has on children and how to create the best situation for them:
- Children can experience mixed feelings, sense of loss, and have trouble adapting to new things when you remarry
- The ability of children to adjust depends on their age
- Consider these strategies unique to step-parenting a teen
- Children also face challenges such as:
- Relationship between child and stepparent
- Relationship between child and step-siblings
- Visitation and parenting plans
- Grief and loss after divorce
Here’s how you can create the best circumstances for your children when remarrying and blending your families- Let children know how important they are and how much you love them
- Don’t “compensate” for this rough time by spoiling your child
- Become a “kindly neighbor” to your stepchildren – get to know them
- Discipline does not mean anger
- Don’t favor your child; don’t favor your step-child
- The key is patience
- Consider therapy for emotional difficulties
- Be inspired to have a healthy relationship with your ex by these 5 divorced fathers
Additional Resources:
- National Step-Family Resource Center
- You’re not damaged goods, we have damaged standards
- When your ex has someone new
Section 5 - Later in Life Divorces
Later in Life Divorces
“Your marriage is ending as your kids are leaving the house.”
Although divorce among couples over the age of 50 is still not as prevalent as for those under 50, it is rising and becoming a concern in our communities. Divorce in later-life comes with its own set of stigma and challenges but can end with good outcomes. Refer to this section for resources on navigating later-life divorces. You will find the following subsections in this section:
1) Resources for “gray” divorce
2) Resources for adult children of divorced/divorcing parents
Resources for “Gray” Divorce
- Learn these 7 key facts about divorce after long marriages
- Look out for these emotional issues and how to cope
- Avoid these 10 financial mistakes
- You may be going through an identity crisis after the divorce – use this time as a chance to discover a new you!
Resources for Adult Children of Divorced/Divorcing Parents
Navigating your parents’ divorce as an adult child in a unique experience. Although you have strengths that work in your favor than those who experience divorce in childhood, there are negative aspects to the experience as well. With the resources listed below, and trust in Allah’s (SWT) will, you can rise above all the turmoil and find tranquility.
- Consider these 5 things you may face as an adult child of divorce
- Try these tips to cope with the emotional toll of your parents’ divorce
- Rely on these 5 strategies to help you get through your parents’ divorce
- Acknowledge your feelings no matter what they may be
- Set firm boundaries as your parents lean on you for support
- Seek help for yourself
- Prioritize self-care as you try to “parent your parents”
- Be kind to yourself and engage in self-compassion
Section 6 - Finances
Finances
“How will a divorce impact my financial situation?!”
Financial stability is important for mental health and is a legitimate concern during the divorce process. Consider the following financial issues throughout the process of divorce and even years later. You will find the following subsections in this section:
1) Educate yourself
2) Refine your financial skills
3) Protect yourself
Educate Yourself
- Learn about the Islamic perspective on finances within a marriage
- Be aware of the various things that impact how much a divorce can end up costing
- Educate yourself on the process judges use to determine spousal support if you are going through the legal system
- Learn how marital debts are split in U.S. courts
- As a man, consider these 11 financial matters
Refine Your Financial Skills
- Here is how to do a basic budget for your household
- Learn how to declutter your financial life
- Try to adopt these 9 stress-reducing truths about money
- Ready your finances for divorce by tracking expenses and organizing your financial documents and records
- Learn how to make a post-divorce budget and survive financially
- Try this financial checklist for your remarriage
- Consider how remarriage impacts child support
Protect Yourself
- Know your financial rights in a divorce and how to protect your assets
- Use these 5 strategies to save money on divorce attorney costs
- Know how to protect yourself financially as a woman and avoid these pitfalls
Section 7 - Providing Support to Loved Ones
Providing Support to Loved Ones
Your support during difficult times can mean the world to a friend or family member who is going through a divorce. It’s important to know what not to say to someone going through a divorce and why not to say it as you try to find the words to comfort those you love. Check out the resources below. There are also good resources in Section 4 of this toolkit. You will find the following subsections in this section:
1) General divorce support resources
2) Marrying a divorcee resources
3) If your spouse is a survivor of abuse
4) Responding to abuse – resources for family members, friends and community leaders
5) Resources for reducing stigma around domestic violence
General Divorce Support Resources
- Learn how to comfort appropriately
- How to support a friend
- 21 ways to show up for and support a friend going through divorce
If you are married to or marrying a divorcee, use these resources
- Consider the pros and cons that may exist in being with someone who is divorced
- Create healthy a interpersonal communication style using these 10 rules
- Recognize that your spouse may be triggered by trauma from his/her previous marriage and learn how to cope with it
- Conflict in your relationship can be triggering for your partner–accept that it’s a normal part of a relationship that can be managed
- Your partner may be experiencing mistrust – read this to learn more about what they may be feeling
- Emotionally attune to your partner
If your spouse is a survivor of abuse, use these resources
- Help your partner heal from relationship abuse
- Try these 10 suggestions for partners of survivors
- Consider these bill of rights for survivors of domestic violence and what they hope to expect from you in this new relationship
Responding to Abuse – Resources for family members, friends and community leaders
- Respond with RAHMA when someone discloses abuse to you
- Acknowledge that men experience abuse too and need support
- Do not engage in victim-blaming which places the victim in greater danger and decreases the chance that he/she will reach out for help in the future:
- “She must have provoked him” and other examples of victim blaming – know what it looks like
- Understand why victim-blaming is so common
- Here are 5 things you can do to support survivors of sexual assault
- Here is what you should do if you encounter domestic violence
- Understand why domestic violence victims don’t leave
Resources for reducing stigma around domestic violence
- Educate yourself on the reality of domestic violence in the Muslim community and share this with others
- Listen to Muslim survivors of domestic violence
- Read and share stories about the unique challenges that immigrant Muslim women and African-American Muslim women face
- Consider these 15 actions you can take as a religious or community leader about domestic violence
- Educate yourself on the Islamic Marriage Contract using this guide created by Faith Trust Institute
Section 8 - Additional resources
You will find the following subsections in this section:
1) Additional readings
2) Support groups
3) Organizations
Additional Readings
- Finding Allah Through Divorce
- Protecting Kids from Divorce Tug of Wars: 10 Golden Rules
- Focus on the Family articles about divorce and marriage
- Redefining the D-Word (online class): 5 shifts to make peace with your divorce, recover your confidence, and live your best year ever
Support Groups
| Support Group | Web Address | Description |
| Nasiha Counseling Treatment Center | https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups/support-group-for-divorced-muslim-women/35702 | Support group for divorced Muslim women |
| Wasilah Connections | https://wasilahconnect.org/event/ | Wasilah Connections aims to be a social service organization that will create and support individuals by providing holistic support to the challenges people face. They provide divorce support groups regularly. |
| Islamic Society of Greater Houston | https://isgh.org/support/ | Support group for Muslims whose marriages have ended. You will find welcoming and supportive people who have shared similar experiences. Facilitators will guide the group to discuss important issues surrounding divorce. |
| Muslim Women’s Alliance | https://mwachicago.org/ | Dedicated to empowering Muslim women and girls. MWA’s core focus areas are the development of leaders, fostering community service, mentoring women, and empowering the community through social justice awareness and action. |
Organizations
| Organization Name | Web Address | Description |
| The Faith Trust Institute | https://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/ | A national, multifaith, multicultural training, and education organization with global reach working to end sexual and domestic violence. |
| The Khalil Center | https://khalilcenter.com/counselingtherapy/ | Provides counseling and therapy services. Has web therapy sessions available. Discounted fees based on income, financial assistance, and insurance coverage. |
| Peaceful Families Project | https://www.peacefulfamilies.org/ | Programming includes prevention and intervention and addresses domestic violence among Muslim families and communities through collaboration with imams, community leaders and members, social service professionals, activists, educators, legal providers, and youth leaders. |
| Turning Point for Women and Families | http://tpny.org | Provides direct services like free counseling, crisis intervention, support groups, and advocacy & referral services for women/children affected by domestic violence that are culturally and religiously sensitive. |
| In Shaykh’s Clothing | https://inshaykhsclothing.com | A resource website for spiritual abuse in the Muslim community. They discuss the phenomenon of spiritual abuse, help those directly affected, and work on prevention by providing education, training, and policies. |
| Heart Women and Girls | http://heartwomenandgirls.org | Empowers faith-based communities to address sexual violence and improve sexual health literacy. They ensure that all Muslims have the resources, language, and choice to nurture sexual health and confront sexual violence. Their work is culturally-sensitive and developmentally appropriate for the audiences that they serve. |
| Wellness Through Counseling | https://www.wellnessthroughcounseling.com | Culturally sensitive therapy and counseling services. Provides individual psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and family therapy. |
| National Stepfamily Resource Center | https://www.stepfamilies.info/ | Focuses on the dissemination of research-based resources for stepfamilies and professionals who work with them. |
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