In the Midst of a Divorce
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As you move through a divorce, things can become mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausting. With the support and resources in this section, you can mitigate stressors and lessen the negative impact on yourself and your family. For more resources, check out The FYI’s Divorce Support Toolkit.
Self-Care
Taking care during the divorce process
As you experience a change in your normal routines and lifestyle, you may be going through a wide range of emotions, from anger to anxiety. Engage in self-care throughout the entire process. Here are some things you can try:
- Learn how to let go with love and cope with negative emotions
- Recognize that you will be going through many different stages of divorce— understand these stages and the coping strategy you need to use in each stage
- Understand your emotions during this time so you can turn your anger into assertiveness and meet your needs
- Allow yourself to grieve over your relationship and cope in healthy ways
- When things feel out of control, reclaim control over thoughts using an Islamic perspective
- “Your Lord has not forsaken you” – learn how to cope with the trauma you are going through and how it may impact your faith
- Focus on the four “Ms” of mental health – mindfulness, mastery, movement, and meaningful engagement.
- Try mindful meditation— a prophetic tradition— which can helping you to reduce stress and anxiety.
- If you like being outdoors, one of the best ways to cope with stress is actually gardening
- Practice self-compassion and lean on supports in your life
- Walking away from a harmful relationship takes courage and strength–and is something outlined in our Deen if it’s the path to be taken. You are not alone–read about the experiences and patterns in our communities, as well as lessons from divorced Muslims as you reflect on your experience.
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- In the Midst of a Divorce
Interacting with Your Partner
Maintain your safety and well-being
This section provides resources on how to maintain your safety and well-being while interacting with your soon-to-be ex-partner.
- Understand the different kinds of divorces and processes that you can pursue to obtain a divorce
- If it’s possible for you, consider a collaborative divorce, where spouses are empowered to come to an agreement using collaborative law attorneys, without the need of a judge or court system
- Follow these guidelines for a collaborative end to your relationship
- Try these Do’s and Don’ts for a friendly divorce with low-conflict
- Know that each of you may be in different stages of divorce
- Healthy communication with each other will be key for your family.
- Using healthy communication skills and avoid common pitfalls
- Try the BIFF model of communication: Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm
- Think about how you communicate digitally, such as on social media and through text/email
- Think about how you communicate digitally, such as on social media and through text/email
- You may need to think about what to expect from an angry spouse such as accusations of abuse and reneging on verbal agreements
- Be aware of these dirty tactics that your spouse may try and learn how to counter them
- If applicable to you, learn how to navigate living together while divorcing
(Refer to the “children” section below for co-parenting resources)
You may be experiencing doubt or regret about leaving a hurtful relationship, likely projected on to you from others–was it really abusive? Should you have tried more? Maybe you could have been more patient? Refer to these resources to navigate these doubts about abusive relationships in Muslim communities:
- Learn the warning signs of abuse, even in Muslim relationships
- If you are being abused, it is okay to speak up
- Understand the difference between patience (sabr) and suffering in silence
- Waiting can often make it more difficult to leave
- Know that Islam promotes justice and healthy relationships
- Refer to these FAQs about Islam and abuse
Recognize when a partner who uses Quran, hadith, or other Islamic teachings to justify controlling behavior —and could be engaging in spiritual or religious abuse - Read this power wheel about sexual violence in Muslim communities
- Learn about how cultural and religious traditions can be misused in Muslim communities to silence victims and protect the perpetrator.
If you are working on your way out of an abusive relationship, refer to these resources to ensure your safety and well-being:
- Prepare your path to safety by creating a safety plan about when and how to leave
- Use this checklist of essentials to take with you when trying to leave
- Consider these factors specific to when it’s time to leave and how to get out of your home safely
- Prepare accordingly if you have a court protection order
- If you are worried about your safety after leaving an abusive relationship, read these tips on what you can do to protect yourself and/or your children
If you fear for your safety or are in immediate danger, call the Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233.
Discussions with Your Children
Talking to your child about the divorce
- Informing your child about the divorce can be a daunting task.
- Keep their age in mind when thinking about how to talk to themabout it, what behaviors to watch for and how to help them with the transition
- Consider these talking points and reactions for younger children
- Learn about the unique ways your teenage children may be impacted
- Follow these 7 tips for communicating about the divorce:
- If possible, talk to your children about the divorce with the other parent.
- Be honest in answering questions
- Let your children know what life will be like after the divorce
- Emphasize that the divorce is final
- Reassure your kids
- Be available
- Communicate stability, but don’t be afraid to show emotion
- Watch this video to help you understand what children go through in a divorce
- Try these children’s books about divorce and separation
- Helping your children cope will be a priority during this time to build their resilience
- Use these 7 strategies to help them grieve and move forward
- Use this checklist to create a stable home environment for your children
- Make the transition easier by reassuring your love for them and encourage open and honest conversation about their feelings, among other things
- Read about the unique ways you can help your teenage child cope and adjust
- Work on your own resilience so that you can build resilience in your children
- Reduce conflict with your partner for your children’s sake during the process:
- Utilize these parenting strategies to protect your child from conflict in your marital relationship during the divorce process
- Set boundaries with the other parent to reduce conflict
Try this worksheet and this plan about parenting times, events, communication, and decision making- If you realize you cannot co-parent successfully, consider parallel parenting
- Read about the Islamic rulings on parent access to children and visitation rights
- Check out the infographics in this section for more pointers
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