How Do You Prepare for the Commitment of a Lifetime? Get Premarital Counseling
- June 12th, 2022
This blog post is an excerpt from The FYI’s Marriage Prep Toolkit. Check out the full toolkit and The FYI’s very own online marriage prep course here.
Despite how excited we all get about wedding season, research shows that Muslim couples are often unprepared for the challenges of marriage. One study on divorced Muslims found that most participants wished they had more premarital counseling. Another study on Muslims found that most participants would have participated in premarital counseling if someone had encouraged them or required them to do so.
Getting married is a beautiful blessing, but it’s also a big responsibility. Along with the wedding prep, it’s important that couples prepare for the relationship of a lifetime. One of the best ways to do this is premarital counseling.
What is premarital counseling?
Premarital counseling is one of many ways to prepare for marriage. Research shows that efforts to prepare for marriage – like premarital counseling – can improve a couple’s “relationship skills,” increase their satisfaction in their marriage, and reduce their conflict and odds of divorce.
Think of premarital counseling as a series of customized meetings with a professional who will guide you through this very important stage of your relationship. Through these meetings, you’ll learn the skills and tools needed for a healthy marriage.
- Your counselor will likely start things off with a relationship assessment to guide your discussions during the sessions. To complete the assessment, you’ll each answer questions about your relationship as it relates to communication, conflict resolution, finances, personality, family of origin, religion and parenting.
- Afterwards, you’ll receive a personalized report with discussion topics relevant to your relationship. You’ll discuss your expectations around marriage, practice healthy communication and conflict resolution skills and develop marriage goals together.
- Some counselors may prefer to meet with you and your partner for a few sessions, while others may encourage you to participate in more sessions if needed.
Here’s how one couple used premarital counseling:
“A couple of months into courting, everything mostly clicked between us. But there were a few things that we differed about. We weren’t sure how much this would impact our marriage, so we signed up for a premarital counseling session. Taking the assessment and discussing it with our counselor helped us to pinpoint exactly what we were feeling. It allowed us to name it and talk about it more constructively. It was also very reassuring to know that we had many strength areas as a couple, and growth areas too – just like every normal, healthy relationship. Our counselor taught us strategies we could use when we came across a topic or issue of conflict. After a few sessions, we felt confident about taking the next step together. Alhamdullilah, since then it’s been four years of being happily married!”
When should I consider premarital counseling?
It’s best to get premarital counseling before you commit to marriage (so during the courting phase), but it can still be incredibly beneficial at any point in the relationship, like:
- When you’re seriously talking to someone for marriage
- When you’ve both made the decision to get married
- After engagement
- After the nikkah (kitab)
- After marriage
Where can I get premarital counseling?
Seek out a trained professional – someone with experience in clinical counseling. Trained professionals will offer different types of premarital counseling and will often incorporate their clinical expertise into the sessions.
Although some imams may offer or require premarital counseling, they are rarely trained in relationship counseling, family dynamics and/or mental health issues. Premarital counseling with an imam can still be a valuable way to prepare for marriage, especially if you have questions about religion or religious practice. However, know that there may be limitations in your sessions with an Imam.
Many couples have found it beneficial to meet with both an imam and a counseling professional for premarital counseling. One way to find a counselor is to ask family, friends, or community leaders for leads in your area. You can also check out The FYI’s Marriage Prep toolkit for local therapist directories.
One way to find a counselor is to ask family, friends, or community leaders for leads in your area. Additionally, these relationship inventories are the most common ones used by counseling professionals for premarital counseling. You can use their websites to search for someone in your area who is trained to facilitate the inventories. You can even filter your search by religion.
Muslim Mental Health features a directory of Muslim counselors, some of whom may provide premarital counseling and couples sessions. Also, check out these location-specific Muslim therapist directories below:
Bay Area Muslim Therapist Directory
DC Metro Area Therapist Directory
Dallas Fort Worth Therapist Directory
PsychologyToday offers a therapist directory where you can filter your search by location, religion, gender, specialty, and other characteristics. Good Therapy also provides a search directory for counselors in your area
Mental Health/Counseling
Entering an intimate relationship can also make us aware of the issues we may have experienced in our own families. It’s not uncommon for unresolved trauma to show up at this time in your life, even if it didn’t show up before. This is because the marriage process is one that invokes a great deal of self-awareness.
- Some people discover that they have a lot of anxiety about making the decision to get married.
- Others realize that they have no good role model for a healthy marriage. Perhaps they have fears or assumptions that stem from their parents’ marriage (divorce, abuse, betrayal, etc.).
- You or your potential partner may come across unresolved issues in your past, face an ongoing problem you’ve avoided, or feel a lot of fear and anxiety about marriage and the changes it may bring.
- You may also experience conflict or uncover more serious concerns with your potential spouse.
You can discuss these issues during premarital counseling or find a trained professional counselor to help you using the above resources.
Healthy couples and families are the building blocks of thriving communities. If you know a couple who is getting ready to tie the knot, share this blog post with them and encourage them to get premarital counseling!
This blog post is an excerpt from The FYI’s Marriage Prep Toolkit. Check out the full toolkit and The FYI’s very own online marriage prep course here.
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