Guidelines for Sharing Past, Private, and Personal Experiences with a Partner
Blog Author:
As a courtship progresses, each partner will begin to learn about one another more deeply. It’s important to consider when and how you will share deeply personal experiences with a potential partner. Some details about you or your family may feel private. It’s important to be transparent, but also important to safeguard your (and your family’s) privacy.
When should I share private experiences with a potential partner?
The best time to share more personal information might be once:
- You’ve moved beyond the preliminary stages of getting to know one another.
- You know that both of you would like to move forward with the relationship.
- You’ve built a level of trust with your potential spouse.
Your ultimate priority should be to share that which is in the best interest of your relationship. This does not mean that you owe it to a potential spouse to divulge all of your private information before marriage and expect them to do the same. Rather, it means that you carefully consider the following question: What benefit will this information provide to the overall health of the relationship in the short-term and long-term?
Should I share sins or bad habits from the past?
People often wonder whether they should share about their past behaviors, for example, bad habits or emotional/sexual relationships. The general Islamic principle is that once you’ve fully repented from a sin, you are not to reveal it voluntarily. Therefore, you are not expected to divulge behaviors of your past if they are no longer a part of your life and will not impact your potential spouse and marriage. However, consider that behaviors and people of the past may resurface in the future, and this may impact your marriage.
There is a significant difference between a sin committed in the past and an addiction. A key marker of addiction is when a person finds it incredibly difficult to stop the behavior, even when they want to. If you are struggling with an addiction, this will undoubtedly impact your marriage and should be communicated to a potential spouse. Addictions require treatment and thrive off of secrecy and isolation. Recognize the signs of addiction and seek help.
You are also obligated to share when your past or present behaviors can impact your potential spouse and your marriage. For example, if you’ve contracted a sexually transmitted infection (STI) from a previous sexual relationship, you must share this information with a potential spouse. Other examples include mental health disorders, physical illnesses, significant debt, experiences of abuse that prevent you from forming healthy emotional bonds, and/or alcohol/drug addictions. A perpetual sin that is not an addiction may also need to be shared. Your potential spouse has the right to know about these behaviors before committing to the relationship.
Be intentional about when and how you share.
In thinking about whether or not to share, consider the following questions:
- What benefit will this information provide to the relationship’s overall health in the short-term and long-term?
- What is the potential impact of withholding this information? Will it create emotional distance in the marriage?
- If I do share, can I handle the potential for conflict, suspicion, or insecurity in the relationship?
Be wise in when and how you share information. Don’t share to gain pity or sympathy, and don’t reveal your shortcomings aimlessly. You should still try to allow your potential spouse to see you in a good light while being as genuine as possible.
If you decide to share your past, take ownership of the situation. Sincerely reflect on what you’ve learned from the experience and how it has impacted you.
Consider sharing these guidelines with him/her and agree to apply them when discussing sensitive topics. Deciding to share can be difficult and complicated. It requires nuance and must be addressed on a case-by-case basis. If you are unsure whether to share or withhold something from a potential spouse, consult a trusted advisor or see a counselor to help you think through this decision.
This blog post is an excerpt from The FYI’s Marriage Prep Toolkit. Check out the full toolkit and The FYI’s very own online marriage prep course here.
Feedback
Your feedback is incredibly valuable to us. It helps us refine and improve our efforts to better serve you. Whether it’s positive comments that motivate us or constructive criticism that guides our enhancements, your insights are an essential part of our journey. We genuinely appreciate your time and input as we work to provide the best possible experience. Thank you for being a part of our process!
