How to Ask Others about Your Potential Partner
- June 12th, 2022
This blog post is an excerpt from The FYI’s Marriage Prep Toolkit. Check out the full toolkit and The FYI’s very own online marriage prep course here.
You can learn more about your potential spouse by engaging with others who know them.
- Ask to meet with the person’s parents and siblings. Observe how he/she interacts with each family member. What are the overall family dynamics like?
- Introduce your potential spouse and his/her family to your own family and discuss with your family members what they observed, any concerns they might have, and the overall vibes they felt in their interactions.
- Don’t be quick to dismiss your family’s observations if they may conflict with your own. Instead, listen and keep an open mind to what they share with you.
Another way that you can learn more about a prospective spouse is by asking him/her to share a list of references with you – people who know him/her very well and can speak to his/her personality, character, behavior patterns, family, etc.
- You can speak to the references directly, or have a parent or family member who you trust engage with them and ask them any questions you may have.
- Also, offer your own list of references to the potential spouse so that he/she is able to get to know you through the people closest to you.
- Some people use this process to determine whether they will even begin the exploration process with a potential partner. Others will engage references as they get to know the person and assess if their impressions align with the potential prospect’s reputation with others.
If you are in a circumstance where you will not be speaking to a prospective spouse directly or your interactions are kept minimal by family, make sure to take advantage of this part of the process as best as you can. Create a list of questions that cover the essential topics for marriage as well as what you feel is crucial for you to know about him/her before making a decision. Reference the questionnaires, add your own questions, and consider this list for references below.
Questions to Ask a Reference
- How long have you known him/her? And in what capacity?
- Do you think that he/she is ready to get married? Why?
- What type of person would be compatible with him/her?
- What are his/her best qualities? Worst qualities?
- How would you describe his/her personality?
- Describe him/her in five adjectives.
- Can you give me an example of when he/she dealt with anger and/or frustration? How did he/she cope?
- Who does he/she rely on when making decisions?
- Have you seen him/her strive towards certain goals in life? What kind of goals is he/she working towards?
- How would you describe his/her role in his family? With friends? In the community?
- How does he/she relate with other men and other women?
- Does he/she abide by his commitments?
- Do you have any concerns about this person?
- Are there other people you think I (or my family) should speak to?
- Is there anything else you’d like me to know about him/her or his/her family?
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