How To Appreciate The Courtship Process Regardless Of The Outcome
- June 12th, 2022
This blog post is an excerpt from The FYI’s Marriage Prep Toolkit. Check out the full toolkit and The FYI’s very own online marriage prep course here.
A common mistake people make is to rush into marriage without appropriately utilizing the courtship process to assess compatibility. Getting to know someone thoroughly takes time. Courtship is not just about the end goal of marriage. It is an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your needs as a marriage partner.
There is no magic number for how long a courtship should last before you know that you want to marry someone. What’s important is that you are spending (halal) quality time with the person, asking critical questions and following the roadmap outlined here for intentional interactions. This can look differently for couples depending on their life circumstances, cultural and family values, emotional and spiritual states, and whether the relationship is a long distance one. Some people get to know their partners deeply over a shorter time period, while others require more time. The duration of your courtship does not determine how compatible you are with someone.
Note, however, that allowing for more time during courtship can have three positive consequences:
- It allows for that initial burst of excitement about the new relationship to wear off a bit so that you can both be more objective in your decision-making.
- It provides you with more information about each other as you let your guard down and get more comfortable with time.
- It ensures that you have done your due diligence in learning more about yourself, identifying your needs, and assessing for compatibility.
It's important not to attach yourself to the outcome.
Courtship can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Both of your feelings may change throughout the process. There are many possible outcomes when you are communicating with someone for marriage:
- You learn a lot through personal reflection and honest conversations with someone, which makes you feel more prepared for marriage.
- You find that this process confirms your expectations about a marriage partner, and the person you are considering meets your needs, so you decide to move forward with marriage.
- You realize that you or the other person have significant personal issues to work through, so you decide to stop or pause the process to focus on these issues.
- You find that this process clarifies your expectations about a marriage partner, and the person you are considering does not meet your needs, so you decide to end the relationship.
It’s important that you check in with each other about where you are in the process, be honest about your feelings, and accept the possibility that feelings and decisions can change. Continue praying istikhara and making duaa, and know that whatever happens, it is decreed by God as being best for you.
Healthy couples and families are the building blocks of thriving communities. If you know a couple getting ready to tie the knot, share The FYI’s Marriage Prep Toolkit and online marriage prep course here.
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