What Should You Discuss Before Marriage? Everything!
- June 12th, 2022
This blog post is an excerpt from The FYI’s Marriage Prep Toolkit. Check out the full toolkit and The FYI’s very own online marriage prep course here.
What should you discuss with someone who you are getting to know for marriage? How you get to know someone for marriage will vary depending on your cultural context, family expectations, and personal preference. What is important is that you are both intentional and principled in your interactions and that your communication is purposeful and within Islamic guidelines.
- Start with and focus on the issues that are most important to you. Address all the deal breakers first. The secondary issues can be explored continuously.
- Be honest with the other person about your needs and expectations. Share about your hesitations. It is important that you both feel comfortable sharing and that you feel heard. How you navigate this experience together will demonstrate how you might manage difficult conversations in the future.
- As you have these discussions, pay attention not only to the other person’s answers but also to how he/she responds to your questions, his/her thought process, the nuance in his/her answers, the words he/she uses, the things he/she doesn’t say, etc. The types of questions asked by a potential partner can also be revealing.
- No subject or conversation should be off-limits during this process, but it will take time to grow the trust needed for sensitive and possibly difficult conversations. Check out this blog for more tips on sharing past, private, and personal information.
Topics to Discuss
This list below covers the core topics you should discuss with a potential spouse to assess for compatibility and connection. For ideas on how to discuss these topics, check out the questionnaires below.
Some people may prefer to discuss certain topics like sex and intimacy during the later stages of the relationship, for example after the marriage ceremony (nikah or kitab). In general, conversations about sex and intimacy are important for the health of a marital relationship and should be approached respectfully and honestly. If you feel that these questions need to be addressed in order for you to feel comfortable moving forward with the relationship, then be honest with your potential spouse about this. Also, notice that the wedding is last on the list of topics to discuss. It is important to cover the topics listed first before discussing wedding plans.
Start with The FYI Premarital Questionnaire, which includes questions on personality, personal development, family, conflict, communication, culture, and more. Pair it with another questionnaire from the list and make sure to discuss all of the essential topic areas listed.
Questionnaires
Other Questionnaires
- 74 Questions from Haute Hijab to ask yourself and a potential spouse before marriage.
- 36 Questions That Lead to Love: is a list of creative questions to help you organically explore each other’s interests, personalities, values, sense of humor, and beyond.
Healthy couples and families are the building blocks of thriving communities. If you know a couple who is getting ready to tie the knot, share this blog post with them along with The FYI’s Marriage Prep Toolkit and The FYI’s very own online marriage prep course here.
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