Personal Preparation
In this section, you will find resources to help you determine if you are ready to pursue marriage, identify your expectations about marriage, and better understand yourself and your needs in a relationship.
Should You Be Thinking About Marriage?
Three Ways to Know
5 Ways to Soul-Search Before You Spouse-Search
Often when thinking about marriage, people make lists about who their ideal partner would be. But what about you? What makes you who you are, and what would make you a good partner for someone else?
A strong sense of self-awareness will help you know whether you’re ready to be married, how you might show up in a relationship and what kind of spouse will help you grow. It can help you make wiser decisions about who to consider when searching for a spouse. Here are five ways that you can use self-awareness to prepare for marriage.
Know your story.
Self-reflection is one of the best tools in your marriage prep toolbox. It will help you clarify what you want in a partner and a marriage.
- Challenge yourself to answer questions that you might ask a potential partner, like “How would you behave if you were upset with someone?” or “How has your parents’ relationship impacted your expectations of marriage?”
- Take a personality assessment to learn more about yourself.
- Don’t underestimate the power of journaling as a tool to help you better know yourself. If writing doesn’t come easily to you, try spending time in solitude and recording yourself as you think/speak out loud.
Talk to family, close friends and mentors.
Talk to the people who know you best. Do they have any words of advice about how you can grow, or how to prepare for marriage? Try answering these questions on your own, then pose these questions to the people closest to you. How do their answers compare with your own?
- How would they describe your personality?
- What are the strengths they see in you? What do they think you can work on?
- What are the characteristics of someone they can see you with? Why did they choose those characteristics?
- Don’t avoid asking the sibling you never get along with these questions or the friend whose personality often clashes with yours. They may point out something about you that you weren’t aware of before.
Explore what you’re looking for in a partner.
When asked about what they want in a spouse, most people say something like, “I just want a good person.” Everyone wants a good person, but we all have different upbringings, circumstances and values that shape our expectations of a partner. It’s important to get specific about what you are looking for. One way to do this is to put it down on paper.
- Make a list of characteristics your future partner MUST HAVE – and a list of NICE-TO-HAVES.
- Be concrete in how you define each characteristic. What does it look like in action? Can you measure it?
- Make a list of deal-breakers – characteristics or circumstances that would keep you from moving forward with the relationship, e.g., smoking, relocating, living with in-laws, not praying, etc.
Know the red flags.
A red flag indicates that something about your potential spouse is not sitting well with you. Or it could be a clue warning you about issues that can create serious conflict in your relationship. Research shows that one of the reasons for divorce among Muslim couples was that red flags were left unaddressed before marriage (Killawi, 2018). In addition to red flags in the behavior of a potential partner, how you feel can also be a red flag. Do you feel heard in the relationship? Does your partner listen to your perspective and respect your needs, boundaries, and decisions? Have you felt they’ve tried to put you down or invalidate your perspective?
Before talking to anyone about marriage, it’s a good idea to know healthy relationship behavior from toxic behavior. Read up on what kind of red flags to look for and how to address them if they pop up. In a situation where you’re unsure of whether you’re spotting a red flag, know that premarital counseling can help.
Envision your courtship
When it comes to courtship, a common question is, “How long should I talk to someone before deciding to get married?” There is no magic number for how long courtship should last. The length of your courtship does not determine how compatible you are with someone. Some people get to know their partners deeply over a shorter time period while others require more time.
What’s important is spending quality (halal) time with the person, asking the critical questions, and being thorough in your process. So, think about what your courtship will look like. What will help you assess compatibility and determine if there is a connection between you and someone else?
In what kinds of settings would you feel comfortable meeting a potential spouse? Would you prefer a family or group setting over a one-on-one meeting? Will you be engaging in-person, online, on the phone, etc? This will look differently for couples depending on their life circumstances, cultural and family values, emotional and spiritual states, and whether the relationship is a long-distance one. If your family will be involved, remember to discuss their expectations about this process and get everyone on the same page.
Before you write the next chapter of life with someone else, you need to know your own story. Try some of these tips and see what you learn about yourself. And remember – the more self-aware you are, the better of a partner you can be, Insha’Allah.
Before You Say "I Do" - A Marriage Education Webinar
This introduction to marriage education webinar shares practical tips and resources to help prepare for the commitment of a lifetime. The webinar is designed for individuals who are single, searching, and/or engaged.
Involving Your Family In The Marriage Process
Tips for involving family, reducing misunderstandings, and paving the way for a smooth marriage process.
7 Things to Consider Before You Say "I Do"
Getting to know someone?
Check out the ultimate courtship roadmap for resources to get to know your partner deeply and intentionally.
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